Must a submissive be a masochist?

dirtythingsthatturnmeonposts:

instructor144:

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of anonymity …

“I’m reading the exchanges on the post you reblogged about ‘bottom’ vs. ‘submissive’ with great interest. I have a deep interest in separating the psychological and physical dimensions of how things work in D/s. See, I am a submissive right down to my bones, I am absolutely certain of that. But — I have not a masochistic bone in my body! Other than maybe a light spanking, I simply do not like pain. At all. Can I be a submissive and yet not be a masochist?? Judging by all the pictures I see on Tumblr, being a submissive looks like a sea of pain! How can I do scenes with a Dom if I’m not a masochist?”

What an outstanding question. And I hear what you’re saying: Tumblr is mostly a godawful sewer in that respect. OK, so I’ll tell you what I believe:

“Submissive” and “masochist” are not synonymous!

I’ve known submissives who had not a single masochistic bone in their body. And I’ve known deep masochists who don’t even know what the word “submissive” means. So let’s decouple the two right up front. Just because you’re not a masochist does not mean you aren’t a submissive!

I believe that D/s is a very broad “spectrum,” with serious “S&M” at one end of the spectrum. But it is not the entire spectrum, not by a long shot.  And not all Dominants are sadists like me. There are “Daddy Doms” and similar on the spectrum, for whom inflicting pain is not only not central to their Dominance, but for whom it isn’t a “thing” at all.

I’d strongly encourage you to Google “sensual submission” and see if some of the things you find resonate with you. That may be where you “fit” on the spectrum. Or you may be in the “Little” part of the spectrum. Or you may be, as so many of us in the life are, simply a unique human being with your own unique needs and desires. And there are any number of Dominants out there who are going to be a perfect fit for your needs and desires. Remember: the submission is the key, it’s what makes a submissive a submissive. The scenes are simply how the two people choose to express the sexual aspect of their dynamic, and that is a multifaceted and wonderful thing that both people decide works for them. Good luck!

A must read.