playfully-sadistic:

💗 What to do and where to start when you’re new to BDSM 💗

Because I’ve got like the 34465th ask on this topic, and because I’m lazy and it’s get kind of annoying to answer the same thing every second day or so, I decided to just make a post on it.

Okay so, let’s start, kids. Keep in mind, I’m not a professional and I might forget something, so feel free to add stuff.

1. Research & Educate

Definitely one of the most important steps. No matter what’s your motivation to start with BDSM and get into this community, doing your research and educating yourself is the most important thing!

DON’T use Tumblr for this! On this website it’s very hard for a beginner to tell apart helpful information and just plain bullshit from abusive doms/subs.

There’s so many good forums and guides on the internet, you just have to google. Search for BDSM safety first, it’s easy the most important part. Safety isn’t only physical – since BDSM does involve pain play most of the time – but also emotional, mental safety. Aftercare is a huge keyword for this. No, it is not optional. Aftercare is a must, no discussion. So are safewords.

There’s also books on Amazon, I think, but I can’t recommend anything because it’s not the method I used to get educated.

2. Finding other subs and doms

This seems like a very difficult topic, and it really is. Once you’re educated to at least the minimum – which should contain knowing how to spot fake people in this community that take BDSM as an excuse to just be abusive asshats – you can start signing up for community forums, visit workshops or scene related bars/clubs in your city or search for someone who fits your kinks on other platforms. BDSM forums and personal meet-ups in bars can be combined to both find people with the same interests, AND get educated. There are plenty of professionals on platforms like that, so you can be sure what you read/hear isn’t some teenager bullshit.

3. How do I find a dom/domme for me?

There’s more than one answer to this and it very much depends on what you’re looking for. Let’s say you’re single and looking for a mostly sexual d/s relationship. Needless to say that even without a romantic aspect, d/s relationships are very intimate and the dom and you have to feel comfortable and safe with eachother. Best chance to find a mostly sexual constellation like that would be in forums, on dating apps or meet-ups! But be aware that there’s the possibility that your dominant and you could start to feel romantically for eachother. That happens, and it’s fine.

Second scene: You’re already in a relationship and your partner doesn’t know about your kinks – yet! GO TALK TO THEM! Communication is key, not only between a sub and their dom, but just in a relationship in general. So you should totally learn to adress what you need and want, and there’s a very big chance that your s/o is willing to try out new things and experiment to make you happy. Just be sure that your partner educates themselves as well. And start soft – you got all the time, so take it easy. Learn to trust eachother, even more than before.

4. How do I find a sub for me?

^^^^ Same as number 3!

5. How do I spot toxic people in the BDSM community?

You’re very soon gonna notice that not everyone is here to have a fun and sexy time. A lot of people use BDSM as an excuse for different things – having control over someone (without wanting to bear the responsibility that comes with it)/feeling superior, hidden sexism, playing the victim/approving a trauma (yes! there are subs like this! and it’s 100% unhealthy for a dom to stay in a relationship with someone like this).

I’ll state a few things that makes it easier to spot abusive people like that in our community:

– “Safewords are unnecessary”/“Aftercare is useless, I don’t do it”

– Dominants that try to control you outside of sessions (no, most d/s relationships aren’t 24/7. I’d say only about 10-15% are)

– If your sub/dom makes you feel bad and degraded and less worthy, or anxious, afraid, anything like that really, outside of sessions (seriously, NO! That’s not how it’s supposed to be!!)

– someone who’s trying to talk you into things that you clearly said you weren’t into

– subs who force you to do things to them that would clearly be abusive

This is just a very short guide, of course! But I still hope it helped some of you, who’d really like to get into BDSM but didn’t know where to start – well, there you go!